Still Sad :(

 I am not sure what to write except I miss my dad & mom. I am starting to get my craft stuff out maybe that will help. I want to make a memory book. I feel so overwhelmed with sadness so much of the time. I am trying to give myself time to grieve b/c I know I didn't do that with my mother & grandmother. Maybe that is why I'm having so much trouble maybe I'm grieving for three instead of just one. I am not feeling well today. I have a toothache. I am going to rest and try to get this pain to settle down. Just needed to get some of this out of my system ...seems like when I type stuff out it helps me feel better.

Today is my son-in-law's birthday. He will be 29. I hit the jackpot in this department. He is so good to my entire family. Happy Birthday Bill.

Beginning to think on making my cards again ... should be fun
HUGS from here
~cardmakermom (Tracy)

Dear Diary (I miss you, my loved ones)

Dear Diary,
   I am missing dad &mom today, and since I'm missing loved ones I miss granny & grandma Clara too. I miss sitting on the bed every night and talking with granny (and then later mother). I guess like mother like daughter. I just miss that they listened. No advice, no judging JUST LISTENED! Both taken way too young. Mom had always said she would die young ( I think in some ways she was ready to go to heaven) My mother taught me so much before she left and so much I didn't understand. As I get older the more I understand.
   My mind is racing, I don't know what to write about. I don't even know what to think. My mind is ADHD. I feel so hyper in my mind. WOW ... crazy racing thoughts. Not anything back I just can't focus on any "one" thing. I can't finish any thought or conversation. WHY can I not stay on track. Is this b/c of the grief? I don't think so b/c I know I have had trouble before staying focused. OK...slow down ....take a breath. Now another one. Ok, back to what I want to write.
     I have been thinking about cards & letters ... this could be a ministry I am sure of that. I know that the cards I have received have been so healing to my soul & spirit. I have always loved the idea of romantic love letters (and having a stack of them in a box to read over & over. Thinking of writing a letter to my children (one for each of them) that's a lot of work but when I'm gone it would mean so much to them. LOVE LETTERS & videos Of How much I love them. (I WISH I HAD ONE OF MOM SAYING I LOVE YOU) Manual, Jordan said the other day daddy didn't leave him a manual so maybe I can make one ??? maybe digital ? Digital will not take up as much room

Not sure if these thoughts are for daily page or book ? Guess we will wait to see.

NEW THOUGHT:  traditions
NEW THOUGHT: Girl Code
NEW THOUGHT: Family Fun Night
That's all folks ~ Tracy

Memories

 
Hello Everyone,

Yesterday we had a family gathering to celebrate my dad's 70th birthday (1st birthday in heaven). We had it at the family "old home place". My dad and brother built a shelter to have cookouts under. I thought that was the perfect place to have the reunion. I have decided because dad's family doesn't get together as often as they should I am making this an annual event. Okay, let's think of some names: First Annual Fuqua Family Birthday in Heaven Celebration. It's a little long but I think it will do.

We had so much fun. I made chicken/noodles and mashed potatoes, corn casserole and baked macaroni & cheese. I told everyone to bring a side and dessert. We also had Bill's famous Garlic Maple chicken or Maple Garlic chicken which ever it is anyway, it's so good! He also grilled hot dogs for the kids. I also made Rice Krispie treats for the "big" kids. You can never be too old for rice krispie treats.

Ok to the memories part. The reason I had it under the shelter was for daddy. He was so proud of that shelter, him and Rance built it for the family to have a place to have cookouts and get-togethers. Next I had a table cloth that was my grandma's it is a whimsical one that looks like a table cloth with the table set on it. It has the food printed on the plates. I loved it as a kid. Grandma always used it on the kid's table at thanksgiving. I think next year I want to have a table with photos of family that has already went to heaven. ? Remember this is a work in progress. I also thought the other day I want a place at Christmas where we have photos of mom & dad and under them place their stockings. I also want grandma/grandpa fuqua, grandma/grandpa cooprider & grandma/grandpa tucker. Bobby Gene (b/c he was like a big brother to me) I guess Bobby and I were close b/c we lived together at grandma/grandpa's I remember Grandma and I we would have to go out the the "out-house" in the back yard to use that restroom because Bobby Gene would be in the bathroom so long (lol) I would really like to get things around the property back to "the old days" I am not sure if we can do it or not but the older I get the more important it is to remember the past.

 ~Tracy

Missing Daddy

Hello blog followers,
I want to thank you for sticking with me all this time. It has been pretty wild ride the last several months. It began with Bobby Gene in the hospital, then moving over to methodist hospital in Indianapolis, IN. I called daddy to update him on Bobby's condition. I stood and listened to daddy rant and rave for over 15 minutes about if it were me that he would love me enough to unplug me. He did not want to be plugged into all that "crap" (dad's words not mine).The family finally unplugged Bobby Gene and he passed peacefully. He went to heaven to be with his mother, father, brothers and grandparents just to name a few. Daddy took it really rough. I was surprised how hard it was on him. He went with me to the Lisa's to be with the family and we had a nice time. Christmas the "Fuqua's" got together and a good day was had by all. Later in January we found out that daddy had stage four lung cancer. It was a shock I think to all of us. Daddy really wanted to fight to beat it. He knew it was not cureable only treatable. He fought so hard! He did an amazing job. I just buried daddy a little over three weeks ago. He always said "don't be sad I know I'll be in heaven. Go and have a party to celebrate the good times" and good memories did dad and I have. I was daddy's little girl and everywhere daddy went I was not too far behind. I loved him so much (sorry it's hard to type through the tears) but even the last year we had so much fun and laughed and made great memories right up until he took his last breathe I was kissing him and telling him how much I loved him. I remember all of those sweet precious times I would kiss him and say "oh daddy I love you so much" and he would look up to me with those beautiful gentle eyes and say "I love you too" I know that he was so happy I was there with him and that I was able to care for him. I had such an amazing time with daddy. I prayed for God to only keep him here as long as God wanted him here. I prayed God's perfect will be done. I wanted God to allow me to have him for a time but I didn't want him to suffer. I prayed that the Lord please take him to heaven to be with the rest of the family so daddy and daddy would not hurt anylonger. I am so glad that daddy and I were able to make such great memories. I can no longer write because I need to get some tissues and take a few minutes alone. Once again thank you so much for being there. Thanks daddy for all the wonderful memories and life lessons you taught me. I love you daddy
~~Tracy

Three weeks + one day

Hello Everyone, 

     It has only been three weeks and it seems like daddy has been gone forever! I miss him like crazy, I think of him all the time. I was with Amber yesterday and I was just talking and visiting and then I would think to myself  "oh I've got to run, I need to check on dad." then I would realize that I don't have to check on daddy any longer. He is fine now, perfect actually.  I know that time will help to make things better, but for right now it isn't much help. I can't seem to concentrate or focus on anything these days. I don't know what to do to make it better.

Daddy & Jordan

 

I guess seeing dad's photos have made it a little rough, I miss him so when I see them but in a way they comfort me too. Strange huh, can't really explain it. Daddy was such a great man, he was kind, gentle and giving.

I can't seem to finish this page right now, so I'll post it now and maybe finish it later.

~~Tracy

 

 

Hospital Go Bag

     A go bag is just what it sounds like its a bag that is already packed and ready to "go." This is very personal so the items in it will vary greatly. I will try and let you know the must haves as well as the extras that made a hospital stay for me as pleasant as possible. Remember this is what worked for me, make it personal for you. I kept this bag packed and ready to go. Dad was on chemotherapy every three weeks and after he had chemo on Tuesdays by Saturday he would have diarrhea and get dehydrated. This would mean a trip to the ER for fluids and admission over night to the hospital. We did this month after month so the go bag for me was a huge time saver. Plus when we would decide to go to the hospital it would already be late (so I wanted to get dad there and get him hydrated so he could begin to fill better and we could get some rest) I didn't want to take time to pack a bag and delay our leaving the house. I also knew if it was pre-packed I would be less likely to forget something.

* also if patient or caregiver is female you may want personal hygiene products for a emergency (it never fails)

• complete change of clothes to wear home from hospital
• complete change of clothes for caregiver
• sleep clothes and something for feet for caregiver
• shoes for patient (dad would go to ER w/slippers and want shoes next day)
• medication list (MUST)
• zip lock bag with scripts & otc meds (hospital may not have everything you take)
• cell phone charger (MUST) I had an extra that I just kept in the hospital bag
• ketchup packs dad hated hospital brand (took left over from burger king he liked)
• change purse with extra change (I kept a few ones in there too)
• cross word, Sudoku or just blank notebook & pen
• snacks (vending machine snacks are very costly)
• bottled water
• flashlight (small purse size, for me it was a must, used it several times)
• shaving kit added before we left home (see list below)

 

~Shaving kit bag~

 



I had a small shaving kit that I carried with us all the time it had some things that we used often. These are the small things that made his stay more comfortable for him.
Nail clippers (big heavy ones like for toes dad used on fingers and toes)
Emery board he would pick at his finger nails if he had any kind of snag.
Chap stick His lips would get dry (or he just had time to thing about it)
Couple of band aids (dad would bump his arms and bleed easy)
Small purse pill container I kept ibuprofen in it for head aches
Thermometer ($1@ dollar tree) nice convenience
Gum, mints, hard candy (nice when sitting waiting at doctor's office)
Deck of cards he could play alone or with me. (even caregiver could play alone)
Plastic silverware wrapped in plastic from fast food (can't be too prepared)

*most hospitals have complimentary coffee but I didn't like coffee so I always carried a tea bag or two they usually had sweetener so didn't have to carry that.

Medicine : List

     The medicine list is very important when going to the doctor especially if you have more than one doctor that you see. (example if you go to oncologist and cardiologist or pulmonologist) Sometimes these doctors are able to see each others medical records but not always.  These are things that worked for me at the end my father was on several drugs so this was a work in process. This is what I ended up doing for our doctor visits.  The oncologist gave me paperwork when we were at dad's appointment it had all of his medicine in one place. I made sure that we told doctor of all the over the counter (OTC) meds that dad would take. I read through the list to make sure that all the doses were correct and times of medicine.  (example my dad took CR morphine for pain but the morphine made him itch so he took Benadryl at the same time so on his medicine list it was written. Benadryl 25mg to be taken with morphine  every 12 hrs.) this way when dad got his morphine they would give him Benadryl too while he was in the hospital. I always had a updated medicine list in the pocket calendar I carried in my purse. (you will be surprised how often you need it) This way you will not forget any medication either.
* be sure to proof read this list I often found typos on this list (b/c the nurses are in a hurry when they update this list and mistakes are easily made)

Just as a side note I kept the paperwork from the pharmacy for his prescriptions in the three ring binder I only kept one copy. Each month when I filled his medicine I would shred the old one and put in the new one (this also gave the date filled which I could never remember so for me it was a big help)
  
I would like to say I want to be a help to you. I have been through this it doesn't make me an expert but it does mean I understand I've been there. If you have any questions please comment I love the feedback. If you would like to talk just comment and leave your email address I will get back to you as quickly as possible.


 Please comment on if this has been a help you. If you have a subject you would like me to comment on please leave me a comment and let me know. I will try and comment on my personal experience.
~~Tracy